Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize