I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
