On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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