Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
