We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just cut my nipple shaving
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
