I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
