I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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