I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize