I'm jealous of your bromance
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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