what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
why do cheetos always look like penises
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
