I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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