I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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