I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
