should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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