We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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