I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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