Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
