cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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