need another drink. this is the easiest way
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
