be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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