Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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