Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
