I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
