apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
