don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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