I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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