Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
