i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We need a shit load of segways right now
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
