Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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