I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
