like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
