I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
