So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he shaved USA in his pubs
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There's always time for handjobs
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
