my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
