All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
