remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
