Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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