I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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