i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
