you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
