when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
