first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
