Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
