You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
