So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
