Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize