The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
