Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
