This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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