Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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