Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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