Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
