God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
