By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
