I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize