it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
