you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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