so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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