I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
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