im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
