Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
