How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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