so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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