Already got asked if we're dating
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she peed on how many people?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
