sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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