Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
