Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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