lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
