I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
